I say this with the deepest sympathy, and no judgement

The saddest thing I have ever witnessed was a person who believed they were worthless. 

He has a kind soul, the kind that's sensitive and deeply emotional. He is creative and his deepest desire is to love and be loved, to work alongside his loved ones, truly integrated in a family. His deepest core trait is generosity; he is never more fulfilled, or happier, than when he is helping others. 

He was the kind of child who could not develop resiliency without the shelter of a parent's approval and validation. His parents were his world, untouchable and omniscient. He would have believed anything they said. And he did. He absorbed everything, a sponge with no filters because he trusted them absolutely. 

His father taught him he was worthless. That he deserved pain. That he would never be good enough. That the world was filled with people who meant him harm. That the world was filled with deception. That people who said they loved him were liars, and would harm him later. 

His father taught him that women have no valuable opinions. That a woman's raised voice is an assault on his manhood. That the way to show respect to a woman is to coddle her; to care for her like she is a child but ignore her voice; to dictate her emotions and actions equally. Yet he desires what he never saw: a powerful woman. If you were to ask him, he would say women are equal, and he believes it. But he does not know how that would look any different from what his father taught him. Because he heard those words as his mother was beaten. 

His father taught him that the only negative emotion he could express - or even have - was anger, and that anger could only be expressed explosively. 

Nobody ever taught him that there are more emotions than anger, fear, and false or temporary happiness. Nobody ever taught him how to express any of those emotions, except with the creation of pain. Emotion became pain.  

The emotions didn't stop happening, but he had no words for them, no means of identifying them, no tools for managing them. 

When all he truly wants is to love and be loved. 

He is lonely. Deeply, profoundly lonely. Full of heart and love that he cannot give. Full of pain and dissonance, with no tools for relief. He rejects love when it's offered because he cannot trust it; because it reminds him that he is not worthy of it; because love is pain. 

He rejects responsibility, because nobody ever held his father responsible, either, and he doesn't know how. 

His father crippled him, then died. 

And now the chasm in his heart might be too wide, too volatile, to ford. 

This is the tragedy of child abuse.

Hear me read this. (links to tiktok)